"It doesn't affect you, at least you don't think it does. It's just a normal intrusive thought, that's what everybody says. You believe them. You tone the voice out, in your darkest moments you lump it in as just another negative thought. Just another sign of depression. But it doesn't just speak in your low moments, it's always there in your highest points. When you graduate, when you're promoted, when you feel love for your partner."You could do so much better."It affects you, you know for a fact it does. Your relationships fail, you can't hold onto your jobs, your pursuits result in nothing. You believe it, it bothers you. You know it's correct but in a way that you can't describe. Days of failure slide into months which slide into years. The good news becomes a fluke, the bad news becomes the expected.One day, you ask it how.The second birth is one of fire. The small and insignificant person you were is scorched away with divine precision. The unexceptional thing you were wicks. Hard to be sad with stuff like that.Not sad, though. Thoughtful. Lots of things to think about. Some days were just a tumble of things, like when I started taking tests. "CLEP out of as much stuff as you can," Alan said. 'CLEP' was an archaic program to allow one to take tests on college subjects and receive credits based on knowledge acquired through, to use the accepted term, 'non-traditonal means', like reading everything I could get my hands on. My results got me interviews with department heads in history, literature and language. And credits. A handful of them. I sighed. Maybe not the 'Cindy and Nikki' kind of credits in hard math, but I was at least good through the second year math. But I was satisfied. So was Susan, although Susan was the recipient of a much more traditional education experience. School. And smart.Susan and I didn't create quite the stir that Cindy and Nikki did on campus. Both of them are so obviously young, and Cindy, well, we giggle and pick at Cindy.
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